'The Real Housewives of Rhode Island' Are Running Over Women

This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. We've just got two questions. Is it so chic? Is it very chic?

It seems like they're always running people over in Rhode Island. Maybe all those Shein and Amazon boxes are blocking their field of views?

Alicia Carmody ran over a woman, as she admits on television, but that's only one of many women currently suffering from attempted vehicular manslaughter. Me? I've also been bowled over by the gas-guzzling SUV these women piled in on their one-way roadtrip to Bravo infamy. I've heard reports from here to the Lincoln Tunnel that others have had that same Barbie pink Yukon come barreling out their television an knock them clean on their back.

It's like If Acme Corporation put all that funding towards housewives and hair extensions instead of road runners and iron anvils.

Jokes aside, we're still smitten with The Real Housewives of Rhode Island. How could we not be? Alicia keeps a shrine to her dolls in the foyer of her home. Jo-Ellen is addicted to posting about her neighbors mistresses on Instagram. Liz runs her weed dispensary (and friends) like the Navy. They're running over women and managing pizzerias and dating multiple men in different states. It's real! They're housewives!

And good god, the clothes. Shall we talk about them?

The Real Housewives of Rhode Island

Liz McGraw

This week, Alicia paired her workout top with a headband. It's like looking into the future where Meadow Soprano ran off to Rhode Island with her dad's once rival drug kingpin hoping to ride the wave of the growing weed legalization movement. I'm obsessed with her, I'm sorry! I don't want to know if she's a Republican or not because I'd like to live in the world where she has frustrating but understandable opinions about Joe Biden and loves and accepts her gay son and thot daughter, named Mikey and Gabriella respectively.

Alicia Carmody

Speaking of people with interesting political donations on record, Alicia forsook the Italian community by wearing Irish green in the confessional booth. It's a beautiful if confounding color, as it washes her out and nearly fades into the background of this green screen. She's like a beautiful hedge plant full of crackers and attempted vehicular manslaughter lawsuits.

Rosie DiMare

You know those dolls that Alicia collects and refuses to let her child daughter play with? Here's one of them after a science experiment gone wrong, which brought her to life in a Lifetime original movie called Doll Parts starring Lori Loughlin and Tori Spelling after the next facelift.

Ashley Iaconetti

Here's Tori Spelling before any of the facelifts! That's not a read by the way, the woman is beautiful but has the look of a '90s sitcom star who's on reality television to remind everyone she made a famous show for 40 something once millennial teenagers. She's quite the interesting bird, isn't she? From Virgin Bachelor in Paradise to the co-owner of the second most popular celebrity run coffee shop on the Eastern seaboard, or whatever it is she said Audrey's claim to fame is.

Genuinely, I'm so glad she's here! I do believe the show would come completely undone if she wasn't around in her beach sandals and floral wrap dresses.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

K. Michelle

What's happening this season on The Real Housewives of Atlanta is a completely different story than the otherwise banal events of Rhode Island, where the most pressing drama concerns cheese on pizza. This week, K. Michelle's silicone ass shots exploded out of her while performing onstage, which is a new sentence they just invented specifically for this moment. She delivered this news in a metallic bra with rock hard nipple pastries and a matching cowboy hat. The long arm of Beyoncé's three act structure is felt everywhere!

In all seriousness, this lady has been in the trenches, between these exploding ass shots and having to sit next to Porsha Williams for more than 10 minutes at a time. I love that she's clearly come to play this season, eager to wash off the residue of her previous reality TV ventures. The outfits are appropriately ridiculous and, if I dare say, competitive with what I'm about to show you from Porsha.

Porsha Williams

Here's Porsha dressed like an escort who's also a spy in a video game with zombies. Maybe Resident Evil 10? Or one of those games that incels turn into a culture war because it's just so important that CGI women get to wear leather jackets with boob windows and a booty cheek hanging out while blowing off zombie's heads with a shotgun.

Southern Hospitality

Mia Alario

Is Mia the most beautiful woman alive? Maybe? No, actually, definitely. Her smile could power a small city. Not always her outfits, which range from serviceable to gorgeous, but this dress finds itself solidly in the middle. Still! Wow! That god damn smile! It's the best accessory there is. (And can I get a dress ID, please?

Emmy Sharrett

If Porsha is dressed like a zombie killing cyborg with a booty cheek hanging out, Emmy is dressed like the cable knockoff of Basic Instinct starring an actress from Riverdale and Tom Sandoval. Wow! What a bodysuit, I've really never seen anything like it! Except on the Shein sale section every Christmas under their "office siren" holiday party section.

Leva Bonaparte

Leva looks gorgeous. I love the blue eyeshadow more than I've been known to love blue eyeshadow, and I like this corporate drag with the high neck and long sleeves. The white almond nails are a bit confounding, but that's not my ministry. I just wonder how useful she is to this show if she won't even get up in drags to play Mob Boss a la our favorite touring magician's assistant Lisa Vanderpump.

C'mon, girl! Give us the ol' razzle dazzle!

Bradley Carter

I don't really have anything to say about this outfit. I just wanted to make sure everyone saw Bradley's "emo" wig.

Summer House

Ciara Miller

Ciara is stunning. We've discussed this extensively. Ciara can also dress. She and I have personally discussed this, extensively. All that said, I find this outfit fun if slightly confusing! I think the necklace is so delightful, and her hair and glam are both gorgeous. Maybe it's the fit of the top, or the way the design translates onscreen? I'm sure the girl's had a hectic few weeks, so let's not fault her!

Bailey Taylor

I was slightly rude albeit totally normal about a previous Bailey fit. She read it, we talked about it, and there's literally no beef. In fact, she even invited me on her podcast, which is a lie, but hey Bailey! Invite me on your podcast. That said, this outfit is much more in the lane of what we're looking for. The large statement necklace is slightly witchy, like a background character in the remake of Practical Magic Two.

Mia Calabrese

I want my sisters in beauty and power and fashion on Bravo to free themselves from tops that utilize the same mechanics as a string bikini. Mia, you are radiant! This glam is so good, and you're the best thing to happen to this show in a good few seasons. I promise, we can come back from this!

KJ Dillard

KJ's entire wardrobe continues to wow me, if only because the contrast between his deep sensitivity and skater fits are the sort of thing we don't really see around Bravo much. The all camo is a bit much, even for me, but I like that he wore it anyway. Does that make sense? I just love a man with a sensitive soul, unlike West, whose soul I said was rotten like three years ago, for longtime readers.

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