Gassing the ghosts of failure with teargas
Dear Judge Mbadwa, My Lord, I come before this bench to confess my profound ignorance. I foolishly believed that the living were responsible for the current state of Nyasaland. I thought that the long queues at the petrol pumps, the missing forex, and the skyrocketing cost of living were problems to be solved by the … The post Gassing the ghosts of failure with teargas appeared first on Nation Online.
Black News 
Dear Judge Mbadwa,
My Lord, I come before this bench to confess my profound ignorance. I foolishly believed that the living were responsible for the current state of Nyasaland. I thought that the long queues at the petrol pumps, the missing forex, and the skyrocketing cost of living were problems to be solved by the breathing, salaried officials sitting in Capital Hill.
How wrong I was. The theatrical displays of May 14 have opened my eyes. My Lord, I now realise that this country is not governed by the living; it is entirely directed by the dead.
I am not naive, My Lord. I understand that honouring the ancestors, particularly the mercurial architect of our nation, Ngwazi KaiBanda, is deeply woven into the psyche of the Nyasa people. He deserves his honour, iron fist and all. But our current political leadership has taken the biblical definition of hypocrisy to new heights, successfully transforming our republic into a nation of whitewashed tombs, which are immaculately clean on the outside, but filled with dry bones and administrative decay within.
My Lord, you should have witnessed the State security machinery in its full, majestic glory. The energy that cannot be found to track down corrupt parastatal bosses or to locate missing fuel tankers was suddenly available in abundance at the Mausoleum. The government mobilised armed Nyasaland Police to ensure that only those currently wielding the official sceptre of power could lay a wreath on KaiBanda’s grave.
I am told, My Lord, that laying a wreath on that particular marble tomb grants a politician mystical, supernatural powers to govern Nyasaland for the next three decades. No wonder Mapuya’s People’s Demagogic Party (PDP) would not allow Lazaro’s Cockerel anywhere near the resting place. To let the opposition touch that grave would be an act of political suicide!
Word on the street, My Lord, is that the ghost of KaiBanda was prepared to hand over a scroll containing the ultimate solutions to the country’s economic miseries, but only to the righteous who arrived with a police escort. The Cockerel had to be blocked at all costs, lest they steal the secret recipe for economic recovery and keep it in their pockets for the next four years.
Thanks to this successful necromancy, we should prepare for a spectacular week ahead. Now that the correct hands have touched the tomb, we expect the Value Added Tax (VAT) to collapse, fuel queues to evaporate, and forex to rain down upon the land like manna from heaven. The spirit of the Ngwazi has surely lifted the economic curse that has bedevilled us.
Of course, My Lord, I am reliably informed that for this ancestral sacrifice to be legally binding under the PDP administration, it required a specific type of sacred incense. It required a smoke that brings a tear or two to the eye to complete the ritual. That, My Lord, explains why Lazaro’s followers and their Cockerel had to be thoroughly baptised in State-sponsored teargas at the gates. It wasn’t political violence; it was merely a smoky benediction to appease the spirits!
I must admit, My Lord, that I am deeply impressed by the sheer amount of energy this country expends on consulting the dead for economic salvation, rather than assembling the living to formulate real, tangible solutions. It appears that every party that enters government becomes completely clueless the moment they step into office, leaving them with no choice but to go and disturb the peace of a man who has been resting since 1997.
So, Judge Mbadwa, as we wait for the dead to fix our currency, I move that we formally replace the Ministry of Economic Planning with a Department of Guided Necromancy. If our leaders are going to govern by digging up the past, they might as well do it with the proper tools.
Respectfully submitted,
John Citizen
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