‘Pray and Stay’ Is Still Hurting Black Women in Church

In too many Black churches, the response to intimate partner violence still begins with prayer — and ends with a woman being sent back home. The harm doesn’t stop at the altar, and neither should the church’s responsibility.

Rev. Dr. Thema Bryant, a clinical psychologist and ordained minister, says progress is real but uneven. “Churches have shown growth in attention, training, and sensitivity,” she says, “but some congregations still exhibit sexism and victim blaming.”

For survivors, she says, awareness without action can feel like abandonment. “It’s not enough to share brochures or teaching scripts — survivors must be convinced, beyond all doubt, that the abuse is not their fault.”

Safety vs. Faith

That gap matters most for Black women, who are often expected to carry faith, family, and community on their backs at once. In church spaces that prize endurance and unity, support can blur into pressure to stay, forgive, and keep silent — even when safety is at risk.

Bryant says closing that gap starts with culture. “Remove the stigma around divorce,” she says, noting that shame keeps many women from seeking safety.

It also requires a more honest use of scripture. Biblical narratives can model accountability and define repentance as change, not apology, but those same texts have been used to justify submission and silence.

Church leaders, she says, must confront those distortions directly. Safety is not a lack of faith, and protecting life must take precedence over preserving appearances.

What follows is a conversation with Bryant about what the Black church gets right — and where it still falls short — in responding to intimate partner violence.

Word in Black: How should churches engage men and boys in prevention?

Thema Bryant: It is so important for churches to teach men and boys what loving looks like, that gentleness and care can be and must be very masculine traits. So the idea where what is often just promoted is the way you love is by being in charge. 

And if we look at the model of Jesus — how he was with people — it is centered in compassion. It is centered in tenderness. It is centered in being able to listen and not just speak. We often teach relational skills to girls and women. And men are taught to just be the silent type, or if they’re not silent, to kind of rule and reign and dominate. 

But those aren’t relationship skills. If boys and men are just taught, ‘You’re the head, you’re the boss, you decide, you get to choose, and they have to obey you no matter what,’ that’s not a way to be in a relationship.

WIB: You say that on the prevention side. What about the intervention side?

Bryant: Pastors should be careful not to promote the idea that the woman should be better at submitting, as if to say the violence is her fault. And not to pray one time and send [the couple] home. 

If the violence leads to a court trial, the pastor shouldn’t be a character reference for the abusing spouse. He or she has to remember to pastor both parties and to be more concerned for them than for the possible damage to the institution. Couples often celebrate longevity without regard for the abusive, miserable nature of those years.

WIB: The survivor often tells the pastor first. What’s the appropriate reaction?

Bryant: The first thing we say is to respond with belief and to communicate clearly that no one deserves abuse, violence, or mistreatment, and to appreciate them for trusting you enough to share their story with you. So the do’s are do believe, do validate, do ask them questions about how they are feeling and how they’re managing. And get a sense of their supports, if any, besides the partner or outside of the marriage.

And get a sense from them, if they’ve made any decisions about what they’re wanting to do because some people are coming to you and they’re trying to escape and are looking for support. Some people are coming to you because they’re hoping that you’ll talk to the person and get the abuse to stop. Some people are coming to you because they don’t know what to do. All of those are understandable positions to be in, but you don’t want to run off with an agenda before you’re clear where the person’s head is.

WIB: What are the inappropriate things we do?

Bryant: The “don’t”s are responses like, “He wouldn’t do that. That automatically blames the victim. Or the big one is asking the victim, “Well, what did you do?” — as if there’s any answer a person could give that would justify abuse. Even if the survivor cheated on them. So now, they beat this person to a pulp and want to justify it because of the infidelity. So even then, it’s not okay, right?

WIB: Is it okay to suggest leaving?

Bryant: Not really. If the leaving is not coming from the survivor, it’s not in her heart to do it, and she’s more likely to return in those circumstances. 

Secondly, it’s so important to know that at the moment they decide to leave, they’re at the greatest risk of homicide. So sometimes people aren’t leaving because of fear and it can be a well-grounded fear that the violence is going to escalate if the offender knows there’s a plan to get away — and even after they get away.

WIB: What else should we know about people’s choice to leave?

Bryant: Besides fear, there’s love. And we say it’s unconditional. And combined with the love is the hope: “I don’t want to leave them. I just want the violence to stop.” And then little things will give them hope. 

Sometimes you have an offender who does apologize, and they’re sorry, it’ll never happen again. And then there’s that honeymoon period where they treat you nice again.

So love, hope, fear, and then some people are like, “I promised God, so I’m never leaving, right? No matter what, I made a vow to God, and I’m not going to break my vow to God.” So, you know, that’s why we have to hear where people are, but also to have them to even imagine what life would look like.

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