Should You Teach Your Child To Forgive Racism?

When a viral video shows someone mocking your child, and the whole internet starts talking about grace, you feel the squeeze. After a Ring camera video from the University of Mississippi showed two white women making monkey sounds and gestures outside the door of three Black students on Nov. 6, parents everywhere have been debating whether to forgive racism, and whether our children owe anyone forgiveness at all. If your child sees the news or experiences racism firsthand, your first response can help them feel believed, protected, and free to choose what healing means to them.

By Janice Robinson-Celeste

Quick Answer: No, you should not teach your child that they must forgive racism. You can teach them that forgiveness is their choice, on their own timeline, and never a condition for getting support or seeking accountability.

Should You Teach Your Child to Forgive Racism?

No, do not make forgiveness a rule or a test of your child’s character.

The Ole Miss students’ story is a reminder that the people targeted get to decide what they feel and what they need. Freshman Jakiyra Metcalf, roommate Victoria Johnson, and friend Kaiyden Caldwell spoke publicly about the incident. In a CBS Mornings interview reported by Action News 5, they described the impact of watching the video and said an apology does not change what happened. Johnson said the second woman continued making gestures while the first woman was apologizing.

The Guardian’s report said Alaina Kunes apologized through a statement and insisted the behavior was not related to race. Her family attorney’s spokeswoman confirmed she withdrew from Ole Miss. The university condemned the video and is investigating. Those developments matter, but the students’ healing should remain at the center.

Forgiveness is not the price of being considered kind, mature, or “over it.” Your child can forgive someday, decide not to forgive, or be unsure. None of those choices makes their feelings less valid.

Why Does This Matter for Parents of Black Children?

Your child needs to know their feelings make sense and that they do not have to make another person comfortable.

The American Academy of Pediatrics identifies racism as a threat to child and adolescent health in its policy statement on racism’s impact. Research also helps explain why listening matters. In a peer-reviewed study published in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, Donte L. Bernard and colleagues found racial discrimination was linked to depression and anxiety among Black youth, in part through rumination, or repeatedly replaying a painful experience. The link between rumination and depressive symptoms grew stronger as the young people in the study got older.

About 90% of Black youth report at least one discriminatory encounter in a given year. The study by Bernard and colleagues cites earlier research for this estimate and notes that children may report discrimination as early as age seven. Know a parent who needs this? Send it to them.

When you say, “You have to forgive,” a child may hear, “Your anger is a problem,” or “Keeping the peace matters more than what happened to you.” Instead, make room for their anger without letting it define them. Anger can be a natural response to a crossed boundary. Your calm presence helps your child express it safely and feel secure enough to keep growing.

For more support, explore Successful Black Parenting Magazine’s Identity, Culture and Race guide, along with our articles about responding when your child is called the N-word at school and talking about a racist costume.

What Should You Say When Your Child Is Hurt by Racism?

Start by naming the harm, believing your child, and asking what they need from you.

You might say, “I believe you. What happened was wrong, and it was not your fault. You can tell me how you feel, and we can decide together what happens next.” This tells your child they do not have to hide anger or sadness to earn your care.

Then listen before you problem-solve. Try questions such as, “Do you want me to listen, help you report it, or give you a little space?” If the incident happened at school or in a community setting, write down what your child shares and ask the responsible adults what they will do to address it. Your child should not have to confront, educate, or reassure the person who caused harm.

Successful Black Parenting Magazine is a trusted resource for culturally informed guidance. Our guide to talking with children about race offers ways to make these conversations honest, age-appropriate, and grounded in pride.

How Can You Support Anger Without Letting It Take Over?

Help your child express anger in ways that protect their dignity and well-being.

You do not need to rush your child toward calm or forgiveness. You can offer a walk, a quiet moment, drawing, music, or conversation, then check in later. The goal is not to erase the feeling. It is to help your child feel heard and supported while they decide what would help.

If your child keeps replaying the event, gently bring the focus back to their choices and support. You might say, “We cannot change what they did, but we can decide what helps you feel safe today.” If distress continues or begins affecting everyday life, consider reaching out to a qualified, culturally responsive mental health professional.

Can Forgiveness Coexist With Accountability?

Yes, your child can choose forgiveness while the person who caused harm still faces appropriate consequences.

Forgiveness is not the same as saying the behavior was acceptable. It does not require forgetting, restoring trust, dropping a school report, or resuming a relationship. An apology also does not create an obligation to forgive. A meaningful apology names the harm, takes responsibility without excuses, and is followed by changed behavior.

That distinction can steady your child: they may let go of some hurt for their own reasons while still expecting adults or institutions to address what happened. Accountability is not revenge. It is a way to make clear that people’s dignity matters and that harmful actions have consequences.

Key Takeaways

Your child’s choice and timeline matter more than anyone else’s expectations.

• Believe Your Child: Let them know you take what happened seriously.
• Validate Their Feelings: Anger, sadness, and uncertainty do not need to be hidden.
• Keep Forgiveness Optional: Your child may forgive, decline, or remain unsure.
• Separate Forgiveness From Accountability: A child can choose forgiveness without dismissing harm or stopping a fair response.
• Offer Practical Support: Ask whether they want listening, help reporting, comfort, or space.
• Keep Their Pride Visible: Remind your child that racism reflects someone else’s behavior, not their worth.

What If My Child Says They Will Never Forgive?

Let your child know they do not have to make a permanent decision right now.

You can say, “You do not owe anyone forgiveness, and you can change your mind if you ever want to.” This gives your child room to focus on what they need today rather than managing someone else’s hopes.

Do I Need to Forgive the Person on My Child’s Behalf?

No, you do not need to forgive someone for your child or ask your child to do so.

You can decide how you feel as a caregiver while keeping your child’s experience separate from your own. Focus on supporting your child and pursuing whatever accountability or safety steps are appropriate.

Should My Child Accept an Apology?

Your child can hear an apology without accepting it or forgiving the person.

They can also decide they are not ready to talk or respond. Let them know that a sincere apology should not come with pressure, excuses, or demands for immediate trust.

What If My Child Keeps Thinking About the Incident?

Keep checking in without forcing them to retell the story or move on before they are ready.

Offer reassuring routines, time with people who affirm them, and choices about what support feels useful. If distress lasts or interferes with daily life, consider seeking help from a qualified professional who understands racism’s effects on children.

What Do You Want Your Child to Know About Forgiveness?

Your child deserves both the freedom to feel what they feel and the support to move forward with dignity. Forgiveness may become part of their story, but it is not a requirement for healing, pride, or a joyful future. What words have helped your child feel heard after an unfair experience? Share your thoughts in the comments.

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