The Dangerous Lie Society Tells Itself About Girls, Abuse, and Responsibility

Few phrases show how society fails to protect girls as clearly as the common Caribbean saying: “She was too fast.”

It is especially troubling to see these views appear in social media comments whenever there is news about a young woman or child being sexually involved with an older man. Before the facts are known, before questions are asked of the adult, before concern is expressed for the child, people often jump to conclusions:

“She knew what she was doing.”

“These young girls mature too quickly nowadays.”

“She wanted attention.”

“She was too fast.”

At times like these, something both striking and upsetting occurs. The spotlight shifts away from the adult male who made a conscious decision to pursue, manipulate, groom, or abuse a child, and lands squarely on the child herself.

The victim is treated as if she is to blame, while the predator is almost forgotten.

The question is: Why?

Why does society repeatedly search for flaws in girls rather than accountability in men? And what does that say about us?

When a young girl is sexually exploited by an adult man, public conversations often resemble a courtroom. But the defendant is rarely the man. Instead, society investigates the victim. What was she wearing? Why was she there? Why was she talking to him? Why was she on social media? Why was she acting grown? Why did she accept gifts? Why didn’t she tell anyone?

These questions reveal the uncomfortable truth that many people are more interested in understanding the girl’s behaviour than in understanding the man’s. If enough fault can be found in the child, then responsibility can be shared. And if responsibility can be shared, then the adult’s actions somehow become less disturbing. This is victim-blaming in its purest form.

Psychologists have spent decades studying why people blame victims.

One of the most widely accepted explanations is known as the Just-World Hypothesis, developed by psychologist Melvin Lerner.

In this theory, people want to believe the world is fundamentally fair. They want to believe good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. When confronted with evidence that an innocent child has been harmed, this belief is threatened. Accepting that reality means acknowledging that terrible things can happen to innocent people through no fault of their own. That realisation is frightening.

So instead, people look for reasons why the victim may have contributed to what happened. If they can convince themselves that the girl was “fast”, then they can preserve their belief that bad outcomes only happen to those who somehow invite them. The problem, of course, is that abuse does not work that way.

Children do not cause adults to abuse them. Adults choose to abuse children.

One of the most persistent myths surrounding child sexual abuse is the idea that physical maturity equals emotional maturity.

A girl may develop breasts early; she may wear makeup; she may speak confidently; she may seem worldly. But none of those things transforms her into an adult.

Research in neuroscience consistently shows that the human brain continues developing into the mid-20s. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for judgment, impulse control, risk assessment, and long-term decision-making, is among the last regions to mature. This is true for both males and females.

Adolescents are therefore more vulnerable to manipulation, pressure, coercion and emotional influence than adults.

This developmental reality is precisely why societies establish ages of consent. Children are not expected to possess the same capacity for judgment as adults.

An adult understands consequences differently.

An adult understands power differently.

An adult understands manipulation differently.

That is why responsibility must always rest more heavily on the adult.

Grooming does not equal seduction. One of the greatest misunderstandings surrounding child sexual abuse is the belief that victims somehow “participated” willingly. This ignores the reality of grooming.

According to child protection experts, grooming is a deliberate process through which predators build trust, create emotional dependence and gradually lower a child’s boundaries.

The abuser may provide:

• Attention
• Affection
• Validation
• Gifts
• Money
• Protection
• Mentorship
• Emotional support

Many victims do not initially recognise what is happening. Some believe they are loved. Others believe they are mature enough to handle the relationship. Some feel special because an older person has chosen them. These reactions are not evidence of consent. They are evidence that grooming worked.

As author and researcher Dr Anna Salter, a leading expert on sexual offenders, once observed:

“Children are not responsible for being manipulated by adults.”

Yet society often behaves as though they are.

Victim blaming does not occur in a vacuum. It is shaped by culture. Across many Caribbean societies, deeply rooted gender norms continue to influence how sexual behaviour is judged. Young women are often taught that they are responsible for controlling male desire.

Boys will be boys.

Men cannot help themselves.

Girls must be careful.

Girls must behave.

Girls must dress appropriately.

Girls must avoid temptation.

Girls must protect themselves.

Notice the pattern.

Responsibility is placed on girls to prevent male misconduct rather than on men to avoid committing it. This cultural script becomes particularly dangerous when discussing children. A child is transformed from someone in need of protection into someone expected to manage adult behaviour. The logic is absurd. Yet it remains widespread.

The phrase “she was too fast” deserves closer examination. What does it actually mean?

Usually, it refers to a girl who:

1. Appears confident
2. Socialises with older people
3. Uses social media
4. Dresses fashionably
5. Expresses curiosity about relationships
6. Receives male attention

None of these behaviours causes abuse. What the phrase really accomplishes is something else.

It shifts attention away from the adult male.

It suggests that the girl’s behaviour somehow created the abuse.

But children are not responsible for managing adult attraction.

Adults are responsible for managing their own behaviour.

A teacher who abuses a student is responsible.

A coach who abuses an athlete is responsible.

A family friend who abuses a child is responsible.

A neighbour who abuses a teenager is responsible.

The responsibility remains unchanged regardless of how mature the child appears.

Perhaps the most uncomfortable truth is that victim blaming does not merely harm survivors.

It protects offenders.

Every time a community scrutinises a victim more than a perpetrator, it sends a message.

Predators are watching.

They learn that victims will be questioned.

They learn that families may remain silent.

They learn that communities may defend them.

They learn that blame can be redirected.

This creates an environment where abuse can flourish.

The less likely victims are to be believed, the safer offenders feel.

The more likely victims are to be blamed, the less likely they are to report.

Silence becomes the predator’s greatest ally.

Victims’ advocates have long challenged society’s tendency to blame survivors.

American lawyer and activist Tarana Burke, founder of the Me Too movement, has argued repeatedly that society often focuses on the behaviour of victims because it is easier than confronting systems that enable abuse.

Similarly, author Jessica Valenti once wrote:

“Victim blaming is not just about blaming victims. It is about exonerating perpetrators.”

That observation strikes at the heart of the issue.

Victim blaming is never neutral.

Every ounce of blame assigned to a victim removes some measure of blame from an offender.

Perhaps the next time a story emerges involving an adult man and a child, society should ask different questions.

Instead of:

“Why was she talking to him?”

Ask:

“Why was he interested in a child?”

Instead of:

“Why did she accept the gifts?”

Ask:

“Why was he giving gifts to a child?”

Instead of:

“Why was she acting grown?”

Ask:

“Why was a grown man attracted to someone who was not grown?”

These questions lead us toward accountability rather than excuses.

A child cannot seduce an adult.

A teenager cannot cause a grown man to abandon his responsibilities.

A girl’s appearance, confidence, clothing, maturity, or behaviour does not create abuse.

The abuser creates abuse.

The predator creates abuse.

The adult creates abuse.

When society says, “She was too fast,” what it is often really saying is that it is more comfortable blaming a girl than confronting the reality of male accountability.

Until that changes, victims will continue to carry burdens that never belonged to them, while offenders benefit from a culture that asks more questions of children than it does of the men who harm them.

And that may be one of the greatest injustices of all.

The article The Dangerous Lie Society Tells Itself About Girls, Abuse, and Responsibility is from St. Lucia Times.